Thursday, 16 May 2013

Diabetes Blog Week Day 4: Achievements Big and Small

We don’t always realize it, but each one of us had come a long way since diabetes first came into our life. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years, you’ve done something outstanding diabetes-wise. So today let’s share the greatest accomplishment you've made in terms of dealing with your (or your loved one’s) diabetes. No accomplishment is too big or too small - think about self-acceptance, something you’ve mastered (pump / exercise / diet / etc.), making a tough care decision (finding a new endo or support group / choosing to use or not use a technology / etc.). (Thanks to Hilary of Rainie and Me for this topic suggestion.)

I kind of feel like I answered this prompt yesterday, so I'm going to twist this one slightly, and talk not about something I've already achieved, but about something that I hope to achieve in the future.

I've written in the past about how I have issues with asking for and accepting help relating to my diabetes.  I am very open about my diabetes, and I'll happily talk about it til the cows come home, and I'll share experiences etc.  However, I have a weird...territorialness about my diabetes that I can't quite explain. I think it's partly due to bad experiences I had in clinic when I was younger, where it felt like I couldn't do anything right.  I have fairly severe issues with showing my BG logs to doctors because of this, since I feel like they're just going to point out all the things I'm doing wrong and criticise me (and this has happened more recently that I'd like to admit).  I don't want them to see that, and similarly, I often feel like I can't ask for help with things, because I think they'll just see all the errors and I'll feel like a failure all over again.

When I was at FFL, I went to Joe Solo's talk, and he talked about diabetes duvet days, and how it took him a long time to come to terms with the idea of having to tell people that he needed them, because to admit that he was having a hard time with diabetes felt like he was somehow failing.  That resonated with me so unbelievably strongly, and to hear someone say that was amazing, and to hear them turn round and say that it was *not* a failure was so inspiring.

I'm coming to the realisation that I am going to have to deal with these issues.  Not just for myself, but because Stuart and I want to start a family in the not-too-distant future, and I am very aware of how much monitoring and help I am going to need to do that. I'm going to have to get used to sharing my results, and accepting suggestions and learn not to see it as criticism but help. I want the healthiest start possible for our family, and the only way to do that is to work closely with my care team. And to do that, I need to learn how to ask for help, and accept that which is given. It's not going to be easy, but I have one hell of an incentive to try.

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